God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing