I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
You Might Also Like
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
wtf is a larm clock?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.