My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x