my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us