You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Basically.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”