I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You Might Also Like
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.