I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Holy shit he’s back
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.