Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
taking June’s advice to heart
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?