I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Ha
Good morning y’all ☀️
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does