Never forget.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Tuesday
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Mornin
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp