Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.