Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???