BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
This a good idea
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Cats are still liquid.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.