*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Well, that should do it
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..