My wife gives the best headache.
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Maths meets science
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot