Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Donkey Kong sommelier
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
That’s fair
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports