IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷