Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
✌️
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
The options really are this bad
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If you breakdance you buy dance.