Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days