me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Sorry not sorry.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile