“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
next question.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”