sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.