Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You Might Also Like
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price