Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
sry
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.