“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The struggle is real
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.