Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.