FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.