Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
In space, no one can hear…
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that