Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.