If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You Might Also Like
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.