If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.