Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.