No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”