Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.