I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one