Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”