WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Come back with a warrant
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’m confused about plants
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir