I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
This is my cat’s medicine.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.