amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
absolutely not
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands