They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep