“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak