Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“i miss shittin on people”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.