I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
guilty
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
those birds must be on payroll