Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
🤣😈🤣
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help