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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.