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Me: Same.
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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*skinny dips into black hole
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.