Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Unimpressed
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
According to math, I’m broke
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?