#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
You Might Also Like
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no