4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
#Caturday
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
knights of the ikea table
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.