People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
all that yoga finally paid off
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
that’s really how it is
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit